10, 9, 8, 7.....

Yesterday I gave my last final.

I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I will not teach another class at NVTHS.

I’ve been a crazy mix of emotions this past week. I even cried on Monday at school, in front of all my juniors. It just hit me that it was all ending. I’m excited to get home and see my family, but it’s very bittersweet, since I know I’ll be saying goodbye to my students and friends here. I’m happy to be done with the stresses of school, but it’s just replaced with cleaning my classroom and then the overwhelming task of packing up all of my stuff and moving out of my apartment. I’ve also been applying to jobs and had a phone interview yesterday afternoon. I still have no idea what I’ll be doing when I get back home, but something will fall into place. I’ve learned to not worry about it too much because it always seems to work out.

I think that’s one of the biggest things I’ve learned here. Don’t worry. My students say it to me all the time, especially one sophomore in particular…”Miss, don’t worry!”. I used to worry all the time. I’d worry about things that were way out of my control. I always wanted to plan everything out. It was hard for me to just sit back and let things happen naturally. But I feel like that part of me has changed into more of the Fa’asamoa (Samoan way).

I’ve been battling a cold since Saturday and I think it’s because things are really crazy and I have so much on my mind….I hope I don’t get really sick right before I leave!

Just ten days now…the clock is ticking and there is still so much left to do....

My 2nd period after finishing their final on Monday

When you leave here, don't forget why you came. ~Adlai Stevenson

Today I am in a really good mood. School was great, we are reviewing for the finals next week. My students were making me laugh. Mostly because they were being cheeky (especially a couple of my sophomores). It’s hard for me to get mad at them anymore. They say things that they shouldn’t and I just laugh. I can’t help it. I only have 2 weeks left with them, and I don’t want to spend that time getting frustrated and yelling at them.

Last Friday was the Junior Night dance. Heidi and I went to help out and see the kids. I was excited to watch them perform a dance that they had been practicing in my room at lunch the entire week. At one point, they had an activity for all the mothers (since it was Mother’s Day this past weekend). Some families had come to the junior night, and the kids went and got their moms and brought them to the dance floor. One boy went and got our principal. A few others grabbed teachers that were there. While we were sitting, a student came up to Heidi and took her out to the dance floor. I started to get my camera ready, then noticed one of my favorite students walking towards me. He said, “Miss, come on, let’s go!”, took my hand, and led me out. The activity ended up being a dance competition, in which my student and I took 2^nd place! It was so much fun. The other teachers kept saying, “Amanda, I didn’t know you were a mother”, and I would reply, “Yes, this is my son”. 

Today, when he walked in to class he said “Good morning Mom!” and I replied, “Good morning son!”. For the rest of the class, I called him son. And whenever I saw him that day, he called me mom. It actually feels natural, because my students seem to have brought out my maternal instincts. I get mad at them, frustrated with them, and annoyed with them. But I am also very attached to them, ridiculously proud of them, and truly love them. I want the best for them. I know I have said this multiple times, but I don’t know how I am going to leave them. If this place was closer to home, or if I could get home quicker/easier/cheaper, then I would stay. This is the perfect job for me. It’s exactly what I studied for when I got my Ed degree in Social Studies and ESL. But it is just too far away.

Right now I feel torn between two worlds. One that I grew up in, but haven’t seen for a year, and one that I have only recently become a part of, but has impacted me so much. If I could somehow mix them together and come out with the perfect combination, I would. If I could go home to my family and friends, but still continue to teach all of my favorite kids, I would do it. But right now, there isn’t a way to do that. So in three weeks, I will go to the airport and get on a plane. 19 hours later I will land in Spokane. I will then spend the next few days, weeks, months, trying to explain my experience here to people. I will tell them stories about my students and adventures with friends. But I don’t know if they will understand. How could they? They weren’t there when the skies opened up and started dumping rain on us, sitting in the bed of a pickup. They weren’t there on the bus after we won a football game. They weren’t there for the lunch time conversations with my girls. I can try to explain the way I feel about this place, these kids. But I have yet to think of any words that would do it justice and somehow, I don’t think I will. All I can do now is just soak it all in, and enjoy what little time I have left on this beautiful rock in the middle of the ocean. I will cherish the few days that I have left with my students, my kids, my loves. 

28 days

Today, right before my Sunday morning ritual of coffee and a long phone call with my mother, I looked at the calendar. I counted the days I have left on island until I make my way back to the Northwest. 28. 28 days.

28 days does not seem like nearly enough time for all the stuff that will be going on in the next few weeks.  It's hard to believe that I have less than a month. I remember when we had only been on island for a month. The school year had just started. I was overwhelmed, homesick, and wondering how on earth I was going to remember the names of all my students.

Now, I can't imagine how I'm going to say good bye to my kids, pack up all of my stuff (and I have A LOT of stuff!) and leave this place. I feel like there is still so much I could still do here, so much I still have to teach my students.

some of my 5th period students with a Flag Day poster the girls made

Before we go, all the volunteers will attend an End of Service meeting. Ours is scheduled for next Saturday. One of the topics of the meeting is adjusting to life back at home. I'm not sure if I am prepared for that transition, since I have no idea what to expect.

Will it be easy to fall back into my "old" life and my former ways? Or will I still be wearing lava lavas and making toast in the frying pan? After almost a year in Samoa, I'm less obsessed with having a set plan, and mostly just play things by ear. Will I still be on "Samoan time" in Washington? Other than my immediate family and my friend Megan, I have not seen anyone from home since last summer. Will my relationships with people be different?

I know that this experience has changed me. But to what extent remains to be seen.

It's been a crazy ride, but it's not over yet!